HarryShearer.com

“I want to die quietly on my own term crushing as many of those baby sea turtles as I possibly can.”

“Oh, yes, by the way, the spacecraft still in extreme danger, may not make it back, attempting risky reentry, bla bla bla bla bla bla.  We'll see you after the movie.”

“Well then, we'll form our own town. Who will come and live a life devoted to chastity, abstinence, and a flavorless mush I call rootmarm?”

“"Lisa, do you find something funny about the word tromboner?" from Wayne Goodman”

“Add your favorite Zoowarter quote here, just be the first to send us your quote.”

“Remember! Lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music!”

“Add your favorite Lawyer quote here, just be the first to send us your quote.”

“All right.  But if I don't make it, promise you won't sleep with my wife.”

“Well, you look like a good student, what with those glasses, and I suppose boys will be boys.  Case dismissed.”

“Add your favorite Mr. Muntz quote here, just be the first to send us your quote.”

“Add your favorite Mr. Muntz quote here, just be the first to send us your quote.”

“Wait a second.  Is that a bong-g?  ... You have asthma?  All right.  Move along.”

“"And a bariage of pretzels now knocking Whitey Unconscious." from Tom Cook”

“If you can think of a better way of exchanging long protein strands, I'd like to hear it!”

“Add your favorite quote here, just be the first to send us your quote.”

“You see, Lisa, it's been an unlucky year for Laramie.  A lot of the people who smoke our product have been, well... dying.”

“It doesn't take a Bart Simpson to figure out that something's wrong.”

“Now whatever you do boy, don't squirm. You don't want to get this sucker near your eye or your groin.”

“Add your favorite Der Lustige quote here, just be the first to send us your quote.”

“Add your favorite Der Lustige quote here, just be the first to send us your quote.”

“Uh, Dave Shutton, Springfield Daily Shopper.  Who are you? Where are you going?”

“Whenever my faith in God is shaken, I think of the miracle of anti-freeze.”

“Das ist nicht einen Booby!”

“Jeepers! My sidekick Fallout Boy is a dirty Hippie!”

“Laughing time is ovah.”

“There's nothing necessarily wrong with hostile conflict. All I ask is that you use my patented "Aggression Therapy" mallets.”

“My arm? Well let me put it this way: next time your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it!”

“Aw, thank God! Now, let's talk rust-proofing. These Colecos'll rust up on ya' like that, er ... shut up, Gil. Close the deal ... close the deal!”

“I'll ruin you like a Japanese banquet!”

“So then I said to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence ... of being a jerk."”

“Talking out of turn, thats a paddling. Looking out the window, thats a paddling. Staring at my sandals, that's a paddling. Padding the school canoe, you better believe that's a paddling.”

“Oh, golly, if that doesn't put the shaz in shazam. Oh listen, what's the cash value of those tickets so I can report it on my income taxes?”

“Now I've gotten word that a child is using his imagination... and I've come to put a stop to it.”

“If you ever need a prescription, no questions asked.”

“Have you always been a chick? I mean, I don't want to offend you, but you WERE born a man, weren't you? You can tell me... I'm open-minded.”

“I'm allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die.”

“Now I've gotten word that a child is using his imagination... and I've come to put a stop to it.”

“So then I said to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence ... of being a jerk.”

“Now you be good Pin-Itchy-o, and don't you lie.”

“I just stopped caring. Fortunately by that time it was the eighties, and no one noticed”

“Now I've gotten word that a child is using his imagination... and I've come to put a stop to it.”